The Adventures of Baboon Albert.
Date: 3 August, 2021
By: Albert van der Sel
(This is the story about me, that is Baboon Albert, or "alias" Albert van der Sel).
What's the story? Well.....,
it was around 1980 or so. In that period, I escaped from prison..., well..., a Zoo actually,
but it's the same thing, really. To understand that, you should know that I am a Baboon, which explains
the Zoo part. Anyway, I escaped...! Thank Heavens !!!!!
Then, I became a Developer at a large Firm. I will not mention it's name, but I can tell you
that the name closely resembles "Mickysoft" (where you might replace the "ky" by "ro").
Anyway, as a Senior Developer, Bill asked me to create a GUI, so that we could sell a better
and more flexible product, than MS-DOS. I faked to be enthousiastic and said: "Piece of cake. Just give me a couple of days !!!"
Bill responded: "Excellent!!! The dollars will then poor in, we need Oil pipelines !!! Haha !!" Then Bill left my office.
Being alone, I pondered a bit: "I am a Baboon, and never programmed anything, not even "Hello World"... This is going
to be Catastrofic...".
At that moment, Priscilla came along. She was the cleaning lady at Mickysoft.
She said: "Cleaning time!!! Oh boy, as usual your office is a pigsty !!
What are all those banana's doing on the floor...???"
Then she laughed and said: "Did you know that you really, and I mean really, look like Baboon ???!!"
I responded: "That is so, because I am a Baboon".
She said: "Well..., You are strange indeed. Ok, but why do you look so sad?". And I explained the situation.
"Nonsense", she said. "It cannot be that hard...", and she kicked Baboon Albert away from his PC.
What Albert then saw, he never has seen before. Priscilla quickly browsed through all those "C" manuals,
and Albert often heard her softly say: "Ah.., that way... Oh, that's handy... Oh.. that's easy...."
Next, Priscilla threw all manuals aside, and started programming.....
15 minutes later Priscilla said: "Ok, that's done ! A nice GUI, showing multiple windows
each running it's seperate program. I suggest you will call it "The Windows OS".
"Why could you not do it yourself...? It was really simple! Maybe you are indeed a Baboon !!?
Anyway..., Albert..., you are not so very intelligent, are you not???"
Then she left Albert's Office, speaking loudly: "My shift is done. See you later alligator...".
Baboon Albert could not say anything no more. Completely speachless. The only word which he could utter was
Huh??? Huhhhh ?????
Next, he went to Bill, explained what happened, resigned, and started a new career in selling "Patates Frites" (french fries)...
Thereafter, every day, Priscilla drove by Albert's parked foodtruck, in her Rolls Royce, and waved friendly.
Somewhat later, Baboon Albert noticed that Priscilla's car collection had dramatically expanded, since apparantly,
monday was her Ferrari day, tuesday her Mercedes day, wednesday her Lamborghini day, and thursday her Bugatti day.
It seems that friday was her day off.
This is the story of Baboon Albert, episode 2.
After escaping from a Zoo, Baboon Albert tried various jobs, like for example as a Programmer.
However, none of them were very satisfying. But Albert finally found his peace in selling Patates Frites (french fries)
from his foodtruck...
A while ago, Baboon Albert found a nice spot for his foodtruck. It was on a square, with lots of trees,
and benches for people to rest.
This square seemed to be located in the center of some sort of Tech district.
In front of the foodtruck, was the impressive skyscraper of Google, immediately flanked by the
skyscraper of Facebook. On the other sides were the other well known companies situated,
like Twitter, Amazon, AliBaba Spy Company, Microsoft Leaky Systems, Kim Jung Un Nuclear Works,
Putin Oil, Xi Jin Ping Casino's Corp, and a number of other industrial- or Tech Giants.
A week ago, Google had just finished the extension of her building with an additional 10 floors on top.
At that point, the Google Tower was (again) the highest in the District.
However today, Baboon Albert noticed a new billboard, announcing that Facebook would soon start
the construction of an additional 20 floors on top of their building.
"Huh..., soon, Facebook will be "number One" again" Albert said to himself. "Presumably, Google will be a bit irritated.. hehe!"
Late in the afternoon, Albert saw the arrival of large cranes, parking at Google's place, and not at Facebook's place,
which, perhaps, was a bit unexpected, Albert thought.
Early next morning, Baboon Albert drove his foodtruck to it's usual spot. Albert looked at Google,
and... the riddle was solved!!! Google had placed a large spike at the top of her building, supporting
an enormous disk, probably meant to portray an enourmous flying saucer.
However, as an unintended (???) side effect, the right side of the saucer hung completely above
the Facebook Tower, thereby making it impossible to add floors to the Facebook office.
The following weeks, there were several noisy clashes between the employees of Facebook and Google.
Business was quite good for Baboon Albert. Employees of various companies, as well as many tourists,
came along for a portion of Patates Frites (especially the "Belgium patattekes" were popular).
On a sunny morning, around eleven AM, a limosine parked near the foodtruck. A rather stout man,
with blond hair, stepped out from the back seat. Then he walked towards the foodtruck.
Albert thought: "I have seen this guy many times before, on TV..., a while ago.... He was always
talking about 'Making something Great Again'....or something like that".
But Albert could not remember his name, or role, of the blond guy.
"Hi" the blonde guy said "I like to try your Patattekes..."
"Sure thing ! Excellent choice! Patattekes Coming up !" Albert replied.
The blonde guy said: "By the way..., you look strikingly like a Baboon!". Albert replied: "That's my long nose
which fools you."
The blonde guy continued: "You are a smart guy. Really, you are! I also noticed a lot of tourists here."
At this point, he looked at the Twitter office, as in disgust. "Have you ever seen tourists entering
the Twitter Office? Like, for example, well..., just as an example, Chinese people ???"
Now that he mentioned it, Albert gave it a thought. After a while, Baboon Albert said: "Yes, sometimes.
But they hardly look like tourists. They always come with limo's, wear crisp black suits, sunglasses...
and..." here Albert paused for a few seconds "... they always look nervously over their shoulders..
and then quickly slip into the Twitter office. A bit weird indeed."
The blonde guy slapped his hands, and yelled: "What !!? I knew it !!! Pure conspiracies...!!!"
Albert nodded, as if a 100% certainty was established. It was probably best to play along.
Who knows? Maybe the blonde guy would come back at later days, and order Belgium patattekes again.....
The blonde guy said: "Keep your eye's wide open my friend. Take pictures, or better, make video's!!! I will be back
in a few days, and if you have gathererd substantial evidence, well..., name your price !!!
You can do away your miserable truck, and start a '5 Star Patates Frites' restaurant! I garuantee you that!!!"
After the blonde guy had left, Baboon Albert was considering his options. First, he would move his foodtruck
much much closer to the Twitter tower. Then..., he would see what would happen....
The next day, Albert had moved his foodtruck to the opposite side of the square, pretty close
to the Twitter building. Albert now had a clear view on the main entrance of the office.
In the first two days, nothing special happened. But at the third day, late in the afternoon, there
was that Chinese limo again. Three men came out... At first, they carefully inspected the surroundings.
Baboon Albert pretended to be busy with baking patattekes. But his camera was running.
Then, suddenly, the men rushed into the Twitter office.
"How about that??!" Albert thought. "Why that secrecy..., and what the heck is going on???"
If Albert could collect relevant data, or substantial evidence, the blonde guy probably would
pay Albert a significant amount of money! With that prospect, Albert cheered up enormously.
The only thing Albert needed, was a solid strategy.
That evening, Albert decided to search the Net a bit, trying to find some useful info on Twitter.
After an extensive search, one article certainly drawed Albert's attention. It was an article of Dr. Wu,
explaining what Twitter actually meant. As Dr. Wu explained, in medieval times, there was a fire-breathing Dragon,
having communist symphaties. The animal was called "Twitter". It's main hobby was hunting for capitalists.
In those times, if the animal was spotted in some Provence, all capitalists in the area fled in underground bunkers,
possibly even for weeks, or months...
It's was reported that still thousends of capitalists found their end in the terrible Jaws of Twitter.
"Wow..." Albert thought. He was really impressed by the article. He said to himself: "It's really time to investigate !
Let's turn the bottom stone above...!!"
The next day, just before lunchtime, Baboon Albert entered the Twitter Office. He wore a chef's cap,
and a kitchen apron. He firmly held a plateau with four portions Belgium patattekes.
Once at the frontdesk, Albert said: "Hello there! I have a delivery, ordered by the Finance Department,
for... uhh, Mr..., what was his name again...? A bit of a bald man....I forgot the name, silly me" One of the girls
at the frontdesk giggled. "Oh, that must have been Mr. Feinbaum". The other girl said: "yes, he is as bold
as a billiard ball! Take the elevator to the sixth floor, then turn left, then right... and you walk right into Finance."
In the elevator, Albert choose the 60th floor, instead of 6, because meeting rooms often were situated
at the top of a building. Once arrived, Albert saw that he gambled OK. There were all in all three meeting rooms.
"Now what..." Albert thought. He had only one camera. "No problem. Now that I know, that I can bring deliveries...,
the next time I simply will follow those Chinese folks...
A few days later, the blonde man showed up. "Any success in your mission...??" he asked loudly.
Albert answered: "I am not fully sure... I have footage.. but you may judge for yourself..", and Albert
handed him the camera.
Both the blonde man, and Baboon Albert, looked at the sequence of events. The footage was created by
peeping through a keyhole, since the conferenceroom was locked. But at the same time, that gave Albert
the neccessary cover. However, the image quality and sound, was not perfectly optimal, at all times.
The film started with four men, sitting in a conference room. Two Twitter CEO's and two Chinese men,
namely mr. Xi Ping, and mr. Xi Pong.
Pong said: "World Domination..." Ping added: "...Crushing Western econonies".... (sound quality not good,
as some cracking and noises could be heard....)... "all are arrogant basterds...."
One of the CEO's said: "... installed the AI modules... all working fine!... twisting tweets
of politicians...." Ping said: "Excellent !!!!..." Ping said: "proved at the Presidential Election Haha Haha!!!!"
This went on for several minutes, and finally the footage ended. Albert looked at the blonde guy. His face was
red and his face showed extreme fury... He said: "explosive material.. They are gone, cooked, buried...".
Then he turned to Albert: "Excellent work !!! Really excellent."
He handed Albert a briefcase. He said: "500000 dollar in cash, plus an ID, even a driverslicence, and other goodies...
Yes..., I did a background check.
You escaped from a New York Zoo, a while back, and I thought that an ID would be handy.
As of now, you can present yourself as Mr. B.A. Boon. Everything fully legal and clean".
He looked at his watch, and turned to Albert again: "You better go now. In half an hour, all Hell breaks loose
at this place. It won't be pretty !!!" Then he walked to his limo, and within seconds, he was gone...
For a couple of minutes, Albert was completely stunned. Then he came to his senses. He thought: "It's indeed
best to get out of here..." Then he started his foodtruck and drove home.
After using his dinner at home, he switched on the TV. It was all over the news, all channels.
Twitter CEO's arrested... Twitter stocks plunged... Wall street plunged.. all Tech stocks deep in red...
Baboon Albert thought: "Apparently, the Dragon is slayed..."